Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
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