Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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