smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I'm passing your future prison.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
