I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
