I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Two words: blizzard sex
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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