just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
