Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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