Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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