Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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