And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
