I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
