I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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