apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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