dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
