I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
