Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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