Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
