dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
