This dress was meant to end up on your floor
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
