I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize