tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
