Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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