The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
