oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Randomize
