How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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