I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
