I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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