I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
