Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
