She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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