Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
