Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
