Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
