Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
