A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Randomize
