I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Randomize
