I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
