Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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