Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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