why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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