mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
