does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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