Don't you send me to vm
i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
