I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
