i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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