hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
