Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
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