I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
