i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
