i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
