I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I touched a dick in church today
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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