my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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