i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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