Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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