I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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