Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
