I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
