i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
