everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
