Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Randomize
