for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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