i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
